Listen Up

My husband gets defensive when I make any suggestion to him. He acts like I am his mother, but he sounds like her! This is very difficult for me because I want us to be partners and to encourage each other to be better people. I am being as respectful and gentle as I can, but I am discouraged. I don't think he'll ever hear me. Is there anything I can do?
Not a Nag

Dear Not a Nag,
Hi-yo, Silver; better you should first ask why you signed your letter the way you did. While I don't doubt for a moment that at one point you were being "respectful and gentle" whilst trying to guide your husband onward and upward to being as fabulous a man as you deserve--and to the best of your knowledge, continue to do so--obviously you have either felt like a nag or been accused of being such, a description at odds with your turn-of-the-century portrayal of thyself. Whoa, sister; I'm not taking sides, I'm just saying there is a disconnect somewhere in your relationship, so let's try and see where it is before you lose all your power, shall we?
You bewail the fact that it is your husband who echoes his mother, all the while accusing you of being the one telling him to stand up straight, think for himself, grow a couple. So, spill it: are these the messages you are trying to send him, albeit in your kind way? I applaud your strategy (Who can tolerate a slouch?), but let's see if we can change your tactics. Try this: for a few days, only verbalize what you love about your mate's behavior. Well, SEARCH for something, damn it! "I can't believe how you can make me laugh while I'm scrubbing the toilet", "Thank you for making dinner, it frees me up to fix the roof", "How kind of you for removing the knife from my hand when I was ready to plunge it into your heart!"
And when he exhibits behavior you loathe, just look at him, force a smile, and walk away. You heard me. Walk away. Once you've criticized him aloud, it's like putting a post on YouTube: it is out there forever.
Not to get too Zen on you, but if your husband is not listening to you when you are speaking, perhaps he will when you are not. Anyway, it is my educated guess that you are the one who thinks of yourself as a nag. He sounds too dismissive to name call. So, by switching up your conduct, you'll be stilling the awful voice in your head, acting as a role model, and rewarding his good behavior while becoming a better person yourself. This IS what you want, isn't it? Well? Well? Can you just shut up and LISTEN for a second?
The Husband Whisperer

New Mom

I recently gave birth to our first baby, a son. I have a lot of friends who received really great presents from their husbands when they had babies. My husband hasn't bought me a thing. I know he works hard, and we're both getting used to our new roles as parents, and maybe I'm just tired, but it makes me mad. WIthout coming out and telling him, how can I let him know I wish he'd gift me?
New Mom
Dear New Mom,
What kind of monster are you? Don't you understand that the best present you could possibly get is this beautiful, healthy, baby boy? Okay, I just laughed so hard, Diet Coke came out of my nose; give me a second... I believe the baubles to which you refer (You are talking jewelry, right?) were once known as "push" presents. Frankly, given the plethora of Cesareans being performed, the moniker should be updated to "cut" carats. But I digress.
Why NOT come out and tell your husband? What is he, some mind-reading lounge act in Vegas? The trick, dear New Mom, is in the delivery. So, what's a girl to do? Come a little closer......
If it doesn't happen naturally, create a moment when the three of you are together, cooing over darling baby boy. Wave the fourth finger of your left hand, gently, in front of your husband's face, lean into him and say, "you know, I thought THIS would mean everything." Gaze at the baby, then him, smile and say, "But, look what we have now." Sigh, drop your eyes, and continue,"Every time I look at my engagement ring and wedding band, I think of the joy you have brought me. I remember the moments you gave them to me. Thank you." Wait a beat or two--so he can bask--then say, "Have you ever thought of , maybe, marking the moment we became parents with something I can wear which will, like my engagement ring and wedding band, bring back these moments when we are apart?"
The "Have you ever thought of" element is key. Key, I say. Somehow that phrase is processed into the male mind as, "HEY, I JUST GOT A GREAT IDEA!" Don't ask me why, I'm a whisperer, not a brain surgeon. And if you need the name of a good jeweler, don't be a stranger.
The Husband Whisperer