Listen Up

My husband gets defensive when I make any suggestion to him. He acts like I am his mother, but he sounds like her! This is very difficult for me because I want us to be partners and to encourage each other to be better people. I am being as respectful and gentle as I can, but I am discouraged. I don't think he'll ever hear me. Is there anything I can do?
Not a Nag

Dear Not a Nag,
Hi-yo, Silver; better you should first ask why you signed your letter the way you did. While I don't doubt for a moment that at one point you were being "respectful and gentle" whilst trying to guide your husband onward and upward to being as fabulous a man as you deserve--and to the best of your knowledge, continue to do so--obviously you have either felt like a nag or been accused of being such, a description at odds with your turn-of-the-century portrayal of thyself. Whoa, sister; I'm not taking sides, I'm just saying there is a disconnect somewhere in your relationship, so let's try and see where it is before you lose all your power, shall we?
You bewail the fact that it is your husband who echoes his mother, all the while accusing you of being the one telling him to stand up straight, think for himself, grow a couple. So, spill it: are these the messages you are trying to send him, albeit in your kind way? I applaud your strategy (Who can tolerate a slouch?), but let's see if we can change your tactics. Try this: for a few days, only verbalize what you love about your mate's behavior. Well, SEARCH for something, damn it! "I can't believe how you can make me laugh while I'm scrubbing the toilet", "Thank you for making dinner, it frees me up to fix the roof", "How kind of you for removing the knife from my hand when I was ready to plunge it into your heart!"
And when he exhibits behavior you loathe, just look at him, force a smile, and walk away. You heard me. Walk away. Once you've criticized him aloud, it's like putting a post on YouTube: it is out there forever.
Not to get too Zen on you, but if your husband is not listening to you when you are speaking, perhaps he will when you are not. Anyway, it is my educated guess that you are the one who thinks of yourself as a nag. He sounds too dismissive to name call. So, by switching up your conduct, you'll be stilling the awful voice in your head, acting as a role model, and rewarding his good behavior while becoming a better person yourself. This IS what you want, isn't it? Well? Well? Can you just shut up and LISTEN for a second?
The Husband Whisperer