The Grand Inquisitor

Dear Husband Whisperer,
I have been married over 20 years and have grown accustomed to many aspects of my dear one's personality, but one thing continually bugs me: his almost instantaneous "need to blame."

The urge is usually expressed in the following manner: "Who moved the salt shaker, and where is it now?", "Who left the garden rakes outside?", "Who lost the spatula?" ,"Who moved the big saucepan?", "Who let the dog out?" (Woof, woof.)

Because we share our house with teenaged children and the occasional overnight guest/relative, and because we entertain frequently and casually with friends who are "helpful" in the kitchen, "who" is not a very useful question. I have approached him about this, suggesting that perhaps he can rephrase his question as, "Does anyone know what happened to the....?" to no avail. When I point out that the "Who did this?" question sounds like blaming, he answers that he wants to know who "misbehaved" so he can "set her right and be sure she never does this again."

I love the female pronoun...Guess who gets most of the blame, by implication?

Is there another method by which I can get him to reframe his questions? Or do I just need to shrug it off and not take everything so personally?
Scapegoated in PA

Dear Scapegoated,
Kudos on your attempts to get to the bottom of your husband's inquisitions, I mean, inquisitive nature.

It sounds like you can handle this control quirk of your husband just fine yourself, and you have been able to shrug it off since you haven't stabbed him with a misplaced knife. Yet. Your concern is really how others feel upon hearing him try to sniff out the culprit, and since you love him, his obvious and constant frustration at not being obeyed. No matter how annoying this is to others, it's got to be painful for him.

I think that you have a couple of choices, short of buying a label gun. First, you can be direct: "Honey, obviously it is extremely important to you that everything is in the exact right place and highly frustrating to you when it isn't. It must be dreadful to feel that way, but sometimes the rest of us forget how important that is to you. I am so sorry. Since we have friends and relatives who want to be extremely helpful, would you rather they not be allowed in the kitchen?" (As far as the teenagers go, good luck with having them put anything away. He just has to deal with the teenage brain, like the rest of us.)

Or, you can coach all visitors and family members to answer, "I did it!" en masse when he asks who did it and ran. Nothing breaks tension like a sense of humor...and you two haven't successfully been a couple for 20 years without having similar ones.
The Husband Whisperer

Boxing Match

Dear Husband Whisperer
My husband is a terrible pack rat. We recently painted our apartment and packed up everything in boxes, going through 11 years of accumulated crap. My kids and I packed up three or four boxes of books and toys they grew out of five years ago and never really liked, etc. But my husband has to "review" them all before we can give away or throw away these items. These boxes are stacked up in our bedroom.

Oh, Husband Whisperer, I HAVE been patient. It has been five weeks since our apartment painting was completed. But those boxes are still stacked up there in our bedroom. I have tried not to mention them lest I be deemed a "nag." I am growing ever-more resentful with each passing day, because it is MY bedroom, too, and I don't love the dorm-room-box look.

Can you help me with words of wisdom?
Boxed Up

Dear Boxed Up,
I would say that five weeks of living with a stack of boxes in an apartment-sized bedroom affords you the luxury of reminding your husband of the task on hand without being branded a nag, but that won't necessarily get the job done, will it?

I must admit, at first I was a little confused. If the contents of these boxes belong to your children, what exactly drives your husband's need to review what they have already decided to toss? I have to believe that what he is clinging to is not their toys, but their childhood. So, part of your strategy must include assuring him that just because the kids are growing up, you don't expect him to. Add the average man's control issues to this bittersweet farewell to Bob the Builder and Malibu Barbie, and we are looking at the hurdles you will have to leap. Believe me, they are not as big as the boxes; and you are not alone. I'll let you in on a little secret: one of the major husband-whispering fiats is that most men will follow the past of least resistance, especially if they believe they cleared it themselves. So, get to work, girlfriend, then wipe your fingerprints off the machete. Ease the load, and he'll ease on down the road.

No doubt he is putting off digging through all these boxes because it is far too daunting a task--if your stomach turns every time you see this bedroom blight, can you imagine how he feels? Of course he is at a standstill. So, why not make it easier on both of you by surreptitiously culling through the boxes to lessen the amount of junk he has to go through and magically make four boxes turn into two, cutting his job in half. I doubt he'll demand to know where the missing boxes are, but on the off chance he does, just tell him your children decided that they wanted to keep some of the stuff, after all, and you consolidated the rest. It's a kind lie, dear; and it will help him clear both hurdles. (I knew we shouldn't get rid of it so fast; see, there isn't that much stuff to go through now. I rock.)

Seriously, though, you have got to stop worrying about being a nag when, indeed, some things merit repetition. When you coax your children into doing the right thing, do you worry about sounding like a nag? I thought not. Forge ahead, patient lady, but take a slightly different route. Instead of letting your resentments grow, why not try giving your husband some time parameters and a treat, i.e., don't say, "Hey, Buster, shall I add a coat of paint to the boxes since they've obviously found a permanent home?" Instead, try, "How about I make some guacamole on Sunday while you go through the two boxes, then we can celebrate the end of the painting project by toasting each other with sangria?" You've given him both a time frame and a prize; it works for dogs, horses, and children, no?

My educated guess is that after going through one box, he'll realize that this task falls under the Department of Redundancy Department. You might also remind him that even though it is hard watching your children get older, their need for privacy allows the two of you more time together, too. If this doesn't work, get out the machete.
The Husband Whisperer

Changes

Dear Husband Whisperer,
When I met and married my husband nearly thirty years ago, we were both graduate students and as such were no more or less "casual" than what was appropriate for our station in life at the time and the prevailing, somewhat counter-culture, clothing and grooming styles.

Subsequently, we both cleaned up nicely and, fortunately, have had very successful and enjoyable careers in what might be deemed "the corporate world." I have always considered my husband to be highly attractive (personally) and presentable (in public).

Early last spring my husband was able to retire somewhat ahead of schedule. I continue to work as it is (one of) my passion(s). Unexpectedly, since then, his personal style has deteriorated considerably; his bathing habits have suffered, too.

Particularly alarming to me is the appearance of what I believe is termed a "uni-brow." I refer to a feature that looks as though he has taken a fat, black Magic Marker and drawn horizontally across his forehead. Until now I had never really been aware that he plucked his eyebrow(s), and I have to say, the "thing" (and it is definitely a "THING") is causing me great distress. Frankly, it turns my stomach.

I have asked him politely if he plans to keep the "new look" (he does), or whether I could treat him to a day of sprucing up at a spa specializing in men's services (he has declined the invitation), and have told him (gently) that he "doesn't look like himself." I have recently tried your "Have you thought about..." in this case "toning down the Alaskan aerial-hunter guise?" He just tells me I should get used to the "new [him]" and leaves it at that. I should let you know that he says all of this in a remarkably loving and pleasant tone.

Do you have any insights as to how I might deal with this new incarnation of my formerly adorable husband? I would be most appreciative.
Bepuzzled in Boston

Dear Bepuzzled,
You have been with this guy for thirty years and were never aware of his manscaping? I am impressed by both his neatness and discretion. Too bad they've been tossed by the wayside.

This is a tough one, as this uni-brow has obviously taken on a bigger meaning to your husband. I am afraid the more suggestions you make about his appearance, the deeper he'll dig in his--no doubt--overly calloused heels.

Although I am delighted the both of you are so damn civilized towards one another, the fact that he is, basically, telling you he could care less that you'd rather swallow your own tongue than swap spit with him can't have escaped your attention, and is troubling on many levels. I'm afraid we can't think of his new fashion statement as his way of letting his "freak flag fly," as it were. Seriously, how can this remarkably loving-toned, formerly adorable soul mate not find your physical flinches damaging to his male ego?

Look, Bepuzzled, before he totally devolves into someone who is going to bonk another female over the head with a club and drag her to a different cave--or you opt for finding more manicured pastures--let's talk. Even though you've been with the same man for lo, these many years, I'm sure you've noticed that, in many cases, men gauge their self-worth through their work and believe others feel the same. Now that your husband is no longer gainfully employed, maybe he feels as though he's dropped a couple of rungs on your food chain, no matter how polite you both remain towards each other. Might his rebellion reflect his feelings that your passion towards him has waned although your passion towards your work has deepened? In other words, which do you--or he--think came first: his poor hygiene and bizarre look, or his perception that your time and love are being channeled to your job and not him any longer.

So, even though you find him repulsive right now, put a little Disney in your life for the moment. Pretend you are Beauty to his Beast. Surprise him by taking a day off from work and do things you know he loves...considering how you feel, I can only pray it isn't seven hours of non-stop sex, although at our age, who are we kidding? But, really, shower him with attention for a day, bathe him in love and girlish head tosses and little whispers. Then segue into a conversation about how his daily responsibilities have changed, and how discombobulating that might be. Don't you DARE ask him how he feels, he'll shut down faster than a farmed oyster. How about a well-placed, soothing-toned, "Change is hard, isn't it, my love? I'll try and accept your changes, but I might need to talk about them, okay? I hope you can do so, too. More champagne?" Just give him the language he needs so that he can confess what is really going on, sooner rather than later; because at some point his "look" as it were, or pungent odor will clear out a movie house.
Husband Whisperer

Listen Up

My husband gets defensive when I make any suggestion to him. He acts like I am his mother, but he sounds like her! This is very difficult for me because I want us to be partners and to encourage each other to be better people. I am being as respectful and gentle as I can, but I am discouraged. I don't think he'll ever hear me. Is there anything I can do?
Not a Nag

Dear Not a Nag,
Hi-yo, Silver; better you should first ask why you signed your letter the way you did. While I don't doubt for a moment that at one point you were being "respectful and gentle" whilst trying to guide your husband onward and upward to being as fabulous a man as you deserve--and to the best of your knowledge, continue to do so--obviously you have either felt like a nag or been accused of being such, a description at odds with your turn-of-the-century portrayal of thyself. Whoa, sister; I'm not taking sides, I'm just saying there is a disconnect somewhere in your relationship, so let's try and see where it is before you lose all your power, shall we?
You bewail the fact that it is your husband who echoes his mother, all the while accusing you of being the one telling him to stand up straight, think for himself, grow a couple. So, spill it: are these the messages you are trying to send him, albeit in your kind way? I applaud your strategy (Who can tolerate a slouch?), but let's see if we can change your tactics. Try this: for a few days, only verbalize what you love about your mate's behavior. Well, SEARCH for something, damn it! "I can't believe how you can make me laugh while I'm scrubbing the toilet", "Thank you for making dinner, it frees me up to fix the roof", "How kind of you for removing the knife from my hand when I was ready to plunge it into your heart!"
And when he exhibits behavior you loathe, just look at him, force a smile, and walk away. You heard me. Walk away. Once you've criticized him aloud, it's like putting a post on YouTube: it is out there forever.
Not to get too Zen on you, but if your husband is not listening to you when you are speaking, perhaps he will when you are not. Anyway, it is my educated guess that you are the one who thinks of yourself as a nag. He sounds too dismissive to name call. So, by switching up your conduct, you'll be stilling the awful voice in your head, acting as a role model, and rewarding his good behavior while becoming a better person yourself. This IS what you want, isn't it? Well? Well? Can you just shut up and LISTEN for a second?
The Husband Whisperer

New Mom

I recently gave birth to our first baby, a son. I have a lot of friends who received really great presents from their husbands when they had babies. My husband hasn't bought me a thing. I know he works hard, and we're both getting used to our new roles as parents, and maybe I'm just tired, but it makes me mad. WIthout coming out and telling him, how can I let him know I wish he'd gift me?
New Mom
Dear New Mom,
What kind of monster are you? Don't you understand that the best present you could possibly get is this beautiful, healthy, baby boy? Okay, I just laughed so hard, Diet Coke came out of my nose; give me a second... I believe the baubles to which you refer (You are talking jewelry, right?) were once known as "push" presents. Frankly, given the plethora of Cesareans being performed, the moniker should be updated to "cut" carats. But I digress.
Why NOT come out and tell your husband? What is he, some mind-reading lounge act in Vegas? The trick, dear New Mom, is in the delivery. So, what's a girl to do? Come a little closer......
If it doesn't happen naturally, create a moment when the three of you are together, cooing over darling baby boy. Wave the fourth finger of your left hand, gently, in front of your husband's face, lean into him and say, "you know, I thought THIS would mean everything." Gaze at the baby, then him, smile and say, "But, look what we have now." Sigh, drop your eyes, and continue,"Every time I look at my engagement ring and wedding band, I think of the joy you have brought me. I remember the moments you gave them to me. Thank you." Wait a beat or two--so he can bask--then say, "Have you ever thought of , maybe, marking the moment we became parents with something I can wear which will, like my engagement ring and wedding band, bring back these moments when we are apart?"
The "Have you ever thought of" element is key. Key, I say. Somehow that phrase is processed into the male mind as, "HEY, I JUST GOT A GREAT IDEA!" Don't ask me why, I'm a whisperer, not a brain surgeon. And if you need the name of a good jeweler, don't be a stranger.
The Husband Whisperer