Changes

Dear Husband Whisperer,
When I met and married my husband nearly thirty years ago, we were both graduate students and as such were no more or less "casual" than what was appropriate for our station in life at the time and the prevailing, somewhat counter-culture, clothing and grooming styles.

Subsequently, we both cleaned up nicely and, fortunately, have had very successful and enjoyable careers in what might be deemed "the corporate world." I have always considered my husband to be highly attractive (personally) and presentable (in public).

Early last spring my husband was able to retire somewhat ahead of schedule. I continue to work as it is (one of) my passion(s). Unexpectedly, since then, his personal style has deteriorated considerably; his bathing habits have suffered, too.

Particularly alarming to me is the appearance of what I believe is termed a "uni-brow." I refer to a feature that looks as though he has taken a fat, black Magic Marker and drawn horizontally across his forehead. Until now I had never really been aware that he plucked his eyebrow(s), and I have to say, the "thing" (and it is definitely a "THING") is causing me great distress. Frankly, it turns my stomach.

I have asked him politely if he plans to keep the "new look" (he does), or whether I could treat him to a day of sprucing up at a spa specializing in men's services (he has declined the invitation), and have told him (gently) that he "doesn't look like himself." I have recently tried your "Have you thought about..." in this case "toning down the Alaskan aerial-hunter guise?" He just tells me I should get used to the "new [him]" and leaves it at that. I should let you know that he says all of this in a remarkably loving and pleasant tone.

Do you have any insights as to how I might deal with this new incarnation of my formerly adorable husband? I would be most appreciative.
Bepuzzled in Boston

Dear Bepuzzled,
You have been with this guy for thirty years and were never aware of his manscaping? I am impressed by both his neatness and discretion. Too bad they've been tossed by the wayside.

This is a tough one, as this uni-brow has obviously taken on a bigger meaning to your husband. I am afraid the more suggestions you make about his appearance, the deeper he'll dig in his--no doubt--overly calloused heels.

Although I am delighted the both of you are so damn civilized towards one another, the fact that he is, basically, telling you he could care less that you'd rather swallow your own tongue than swap spit with him can't have escaped your attention, and is troubling on many levels. I'm afraid we can't think of his new fashion statement as his way of letting his "freak flag fly," as it were. Seriously, how can this remarkably loving-toned, formerly adorable soul mate not find your physical flinches damaging to his male ego?

Look, Bepuzzled, before he totally devolves into someone who is going to bonk another female over the head with a club and drag her to a different cave--or you opt for finding more manicured pastures--let's talk. Even though you've been with the same man for lo, these many years, I'm sure you've noticed that, in many cases, men gauge their self-worth through their work and believe others feel the same. Now that your husband is no longer gainfully employed, maybe he feels as though he's dropped a couple of rungs on your food chain, no matter how polite you both remain towards each other. Might his rebellion reflect his feelings that your passion towards him has waned although your passion towards your work has deepened? In other words, which do you--or he--think came first: his poor hygiene and bizarre look, or his perception that your time and love are being channeled to your job and not him any longer.

So, even though you find him repulsive right now, put a little Disney in your life for the moment. Pretend you are Beauty to his Beast. Surprise him by taking a day off from work and do things you know he loves...considering how you feel, I can only pray it isn't seven hours of non-stop sex, although at our age, who are we kidding? But, really, shower him with attention for a day, bathe him in love and girlish head tosses and little whispers. Then segue into a conversation about how his daily responsibilities have changed, and how discombobulating that might be. Don't you DARE ask him how he feels, he'll shut down faster than a farmed oyster. How about a well-placed, soothing-toned, "Change is hard, isn't it, my love? I'll try and accept your changes, but I might need to talk about them, okay? I hope you can do so, too. More champagne?" Just give him the language he needs so that he can confess what is really going on, sooner rather than later; because at some point his "look" as it were, or pungent odor will clear out a movie house.
Husband Whisperer