Boxing Match

Dear Husband Whisperer
My husband is a terrible pack rat. We recently painted our apartment and packed up everything in boxes, going through 11 years of accumulated crap. My kids and I packed up three or four boxes of books and toys they grew out of five years ago and never really liked, etc. But my husband has to "review" them all before we can give away or throw away these items. These boxes are stacked up in our bedroom.

Oh, Husband Whisperer, I HAVE been patient. It has been five weeks since our apartment painting was completed. But those boxes are still stacked up there in our bedroom. I have tried not to mention them lest I be deemed a "nag." I am growing ever-more resentful with each passing day, because it is MY bedroom, too, and I don't love the dorm-room-box look.

Can you help me with words of wisdom?
Boxed Up

Dear Boxed Up,
I would say that five weeks of living with a stack of boxes in an apartment-sized bedroom affords you the luxury of reminding your husband of the task on hand without being branded a nag, but that won't necessarily get the job done, will it?

I must admit, at first I was a little confused. If the contents of these boxes belong to your children, what exactly drives your husband's need to review what they have already decided to toss? I have to believe that what he is clinging to is not their toys, but their childhood. So, part of your strategy must include assuring him that just because the kids are growing up, you don't expect him to. Add the average man's control issues to this bittersweet farewell to Bob the Builder and Malibu Barbie, and we are looking at the hurdles you will have to leap. Believe me, they are not as big as the boxes; and you are not alone. I'll let you in on a little secret: one of the major husband-whispering fiats is that most men will follow the past of least resistance, especially if they believe they cleared it themselves. So, get to work, girlfriend, then wipe your fingerprints off the machete. Ease the load, and he'll ease on down the road.

No doubt he is putting off digging through all these boxes because it is far too daunting a task--if your stomach turns every time you see this bedroom blight, can you imagine how he feels? Of course he is at a standstill. So, why not make it easier on both of you by surreptitiously culling through the boxes to lessen the amount of junk he has to go through and magically make four boxes turn into two, cutting his job in half. I doubt he'll demand to know where the missing boxes are, but on the off chance he does, just tell him your children decided that they wanted to keep some of the stuff, after all, and you consolidated the rest. It's a kind lie, dear; and it will help him clear both hurdles. (I knew we shouldn't get rid of it so fast; see, there isn't that much stuff to go through now. I rock.)

Seriously, though, you have got to stop worrying about being a nag when, indeed, some things merit repetition. When you coax your children into doing the right thing, do you worry about sounding like a nag? I thought not. Forge ahead, patient lady, but take a slightly different route. Instead of letting your resentments grow, why not try giving your husband some time parameters and a treat, i.e., don't say, "Hey, Buster, shall I add a coat of paint to the boxes since they've obviously found a permanent home?" Instead, try, "How about I make some guacamole on Sunday while you go through the two boxes, then we can celebrate the end of the painting project by toasting each other with sangria?" You've given him both a time frame and a prize; it works for dogs, horses, and children, no?

My educated guess is that after going through one box, he'll realize that this task falls under the Department of Redundancy Department. You might also remind him that even though it is hard watching your children get older, their need for privacy allows the two of you more time together, too. If this doesn't work, get out the machete.
The Husband Whisperer