The Grand Inquisitor

Dear Husband Whisperer,
I have been married over 20 years and have grown accustomed to many aspects of my dear one's personality, but one thing continually bugs me: his almost instantaneous "need to blame."

The urge is usually expressed in the following manner: "Who moved the salt shaker, and where is it now?", "Who left the garden rakes outside?", "Who lost the spatula?" ,"Who moved the big saucepan?", "Who let the dog out?" (Woof, woof.)

Because we share our house with teenaged children and the occasional overnight guest/relative, and because we entertain frequently and casually with friends who are "helpful" in the kitchen, "who" is not a very useful question. I have approached him about this, suggesting that perhaps he can rephrase his question as, "Does anyone know what happened to the....?" to no avail. When I point out that the "Who did this?" question sounds like blaming, he answers that he wants to know who "misbehaved" so he can "set her right and be sure she never does this again."

I love the female pronoun...Guess who gets most of the blame, by implication?

Is there another method by which I can get him to reframe his questions? Or do I just need to shrug it off and not take everything so personally?
Scapegoated in PA

Dear Scapegoated,
Kudos on your attempts to get to the bottom of your husband's inquisitions, I mean, inquisitive nature.

It sounds like you can handle this control quirk of your husband just fine yourself, and you have been able to shrug it off since you haven't stabbed him with a misplaced knife. Yet. Your concern is really how others feel upon hearing him try to sniff out the culprit, and since you love him, his obvious and constant frustration at not being obeyed. No matter how annoying this is to others, it's got to be painful for him.

I think that you have a couple of choices, short of buying a label gun. First, you can be direct: "Honey, obviously it is extremely important to you that everything is in the exact right place and highly frustrating to you when it isn't. It must be dreadful to feel that way, but sometimes the rest of us forget how important that is to you. I am so sorry. Since we have friends and relatives who want to be extremely helpful, would you rather they not be allowed in the kitchen?" (As far as the teenagers go, good luck with having them put anything away. He just has to deal with the teenage brain, like the rest of us.)

Or, you can coach all visitors and family members to answer, "I did it!" en masse when he asks who did it and ran. Nothing breaks tension like a sense of humor...and you two haven't successfully been a couple for 20 years without having similar ones.
The Husband Whisperer